Court Stuck
by Vanishing Roses
Summary: A Homestuck AU featuring a fair amount of legislative drama and shenanigans. Multiple genres, multiple warnings, multiple pairings. M/M, F/F, M/F, etc. Trolls as humans. Rating may go up.
1. John Egbert vs Vriska Serket

**Author's Note: **This is a Homestuck AU featuring lawyers, scientists, gangsters, and multiple pairings. Thanks to Arcaneseamstress and Authenticcheese over on Tumblr for pretty much being the muses behind these sick fires I lay down. :o)

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><p><strong>John Egbert v. Vriska Serket<strong>

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><p>John Egbert tilted his head from one side to the other, carefully considering what his friend Vriska Serket had just told him.<p>

There was a time, back when he was just a scamp, that he would often find himself hopelessly confused. Then he grew up, went to law school, and become breathtakingly less dense. There were, however, times when he found himself scrambling, just like he used to. Vriska had just presented him with one such situation.

The dark haired woman simply leaned against the door frame of John's office, a chai latte in her hand, as she gave him time to mull over what she had said to him. Freak out in five, four, three, two, o-

"So you want a divorce!" John suddenly declared, jumping to his feet."Why do you want a divorce? I thought you and Dave were a great match!"

Vriska gave him a look of disgust. "Are you a moron? No, I don't want a divorce," she spat out, shoving her latte into the hand of the woman who was standing beside her.

The woman was a bit taller than Vriska, but had significantly less presence than Vriska. No, that wasn't a fair observation, John decided once he had had a moment to think about it. It was not so much that Kanaya Maryam had less presence, she was just significantly less intimidating. Where Vriska was prone to sudden outbursts, John could not remember ever seeing Vriska's PA ever so much as complain. Kanya was a true professional, John thought to himself as he watched the tall woman take the chai latte, managing to balance it as well as the half dozen books and folders she was cradling in her other arm with more grace than John could manage on a good day.

"What Ms. Serket means to say is that she is not here to seek council in a divorce, as she and Mr. Strider have been divorced some three months now," Kanaya explained easily. Professional though she may be, she did not seem to be quite the yes-man John took her to be upon their first meeting.

Wait, what did she just say?

"You and Dave are already divorced?" John gasped out, practically leaping over the desk. "I don't get it! Why? What happened!"

Vriska shrugged. "That isn't important."

John sighed, his shoulders slumping. "But it is. I was Dave's best man. Why didn't he tell me he got a divorce?"

Vriska kept her eyes trained on John. They had not known each other long, only a couple of years, and only personally for the last few months. Yet, in that short time, Vriska had learned a thing or two about John Egbert. Most importantly was this: he may act like an idiot some of the, ok, most of the time, but when it came to his friends, he was surprisingly mature.

John did not have to say what he was thinking. The look on his face betrayed him. Reaching out, Vriska was about to ruffle his hair before thinking against it. He wasn't a child. Instead, she punched him hard against his arm. "Listen, dork, he probably didn't tell you because he's hardly torn up about it. Honestly," she added,shrugging one shoulder, "the whole divorce thing was over and done with in less than an hour."

John glanced over at Kanaya. She nodded her head, corroborating Vriska's story. That brought the smile back to John's face. "Oh, I see. Well, I guess that's alright then, as long as it was something both of you wanted." Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. "Wait, so if you aren't here to ask me to represent you in divorce court, why are you here?"

Vriska and Kanaya glanced at one another before Vriska turned back to look at John. His heart sank. It was very easy to tell when Vriska was up to something and the look on her face in that moment was downright predatory. She had not yet said anything, but John already knew he was not going to like it, whatever it was.

**TBC**


	2. John Egbert vs Jake English

**Author's Note: **This is a Homestuck AU featuring lawyers, scientists, gangsters, and multiple pairings. Thanks to Arcaneseamstress and Authenticcheese over on Tumblr for pretty much being the muses behind these sick fires I lay down. :o)

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><p>John Egbert vs. Jake English<p>

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><p>Nervously biting his bottom lip, John read through the reports that Kanaya had forwarded to his office. Vriska had been lying, at least in part. Not that John was in the least bit surprised. Everything Vriska said was at best a half truth. Even if she wasn't petitioning for a divorce, the divorce was the reason for the current court case. She was contesting that while she and Dave were married, she had become an indispensable asset to his shitty JPEG artifact company, responsible for its nearly four hundred percent increase in profits. In the divorce, she only got a few million and she was contesting that she deserved so much more than that.<p>

John hated to admit it, but just from his initial read through, Vriska had put together quite the compelling case. He should have been happy. Most lawyers would give up any one of their most prized body parts for such an easy case. John, however, was not most lawyers. Ok, that isn't true. He was exactly like most lawyers.

He was an average lawyer. He was exactly the average lawyer.

If you took all of the lawyers that ever were and created some sort of kick ass bell curve, John would be at the very top. He would sit upon a throne on the top of the legislative bell curve, a throne made out of student debt and videos of cheating spouses.

John hit his head against the steering wheel a few times. Mentally, he berated himself for falling into such an old habit. He always used to think about stupid shit when he was overwhelmed. He thought he was better now...

He looked up when he heard a light tap on the passenger side window. A young bespectacled boy with familiar black hair stood there, his head cocked to the side. John quickly looked at his watch. School had gotten out some ten minutes ago!

Quickly apologizing, John unlocked the door so that the boy could get in. "Hey there, Jake! How was school today? I bet you kicked some major ass in PE, huh?" he asked through a flurry of nervous laughter, quickly trying to shove the folder of papers into the back seat.

Jake watched as some of the papers slip out of the folder before looking back at John. Most of the words he read, he did not understand, but he could understand that his grandfather was not his normal enthusiastic self. "Is something the matter, Popop? You seem nervous."

Sighing, John shook his head, turning on the car. He tried to pull out onto the road, but was blocked by three school buses and a quickly maturing traffic jam. Why did every elementary school have to have after-school traffic congestion?

"It's nothing, Jake. Nothing for you to worry about anyway. It's grown up stuff," he chuckled, reaching out to ruffle Jake's hair.

Jake grumbled a bit as he reached his hands up to fix his hair. "Well if you do not wish to engage in a bit of the verbal exchange, I suppose I will not push the topic."

"Thank you."

"You are still going to take me to my friend Dirk's house today, correct?"

The color drained from John's face. The last thing he wanted was to be anywhere near the Strider estate. News had probably reached Dave by then that John would be representing Vriska in her lawsuit. He probably wanted nothing to do with John at that point. "I don't think that's such a great idea, kiddo. What do you want to go see the little Strider for?"

Jake smirked, his green eyes lighting up. "For a jolly good Strife, of course! The opponents at my school are rather weak. They hardly pose a challenge at all. They are not like the students of my last school."

John looked at him confused. "You were on a nearly deserted island until a few months ago, though..."

"Yes. The tigers put up a much better show! But if you do not want to take me, I suppose that is fine. Some other day, then," he muttered, resting his forehead against the window. It seemed to John that even though Jake and his family seemed to be adjusting to life in the city, the young boy was still split between the island where he grew up and the city he now found himself in. From what Casey had told him, Jake was still living out of his suitcase, as if they were only in the city for a visit.

The look on Jake's face made John feel a swell of disappointment in himself. Nowadays, Jake's face only lit up around Dirk. The younger Strider was every bit the 'cool kid' as his older brother, Dave, though he was a bit more polite and tactful. He had private tutors, not going to a normal school for safety reasons, so Jake only got to see Dirk after school.

After their little playdates, Jake would always come home looking like he had gotten into a fight with an angry bear, but he would always be grinning from ear to ear, declaring that he would 'best that rapscallion tomorrow'.

John made up his mind. He would not let his guilt ruin the only bit of happiness his young grandson had. Sometimes, being an adult meant doing things you didn't want to for the sake of those you cared about.

"On second though, Jake, I suppose it wouldn't be such a bad thing to go over to the Striders today. I have some things to discuss with Dave. I'm sure Dirk misses you, anyway."

Jake nodded his head knowingly. "He always misses me when I am not there."

**TBC**


	3. Karkat Vantas vs Sollux Captor

****Author's Note: ****This is a Homestuck AU featuring lawyers, scientists, gangsters, and multiple pairings. Thanks to Arcaneseamstress and Authenticcheese over on Tumblr for pretty much being the muses behind these sick fires I lay down. :o)

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><p>Karkat Vantas vs. Sollux Captor<p>

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><p><p>

Karkat Vantas slammed the door to his chambers closed as he went over to his desk, flopping down into his plush chair. He would throw his books across the office, except he knew that he would be the one to pick them up later and that would just make him feel foolish. He knew it would. He had done it before.

BUT WHY DID EVERYONE IN THE DAMN WORLD HAVE TO BE SO UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLY STUPID?

Karkat closed his eyes as he took a deep breath. His doctor was constantly telling him that all of the anger he felt would be the death of him one day. What the hell did that guy know? He was just a piece of shit doctor. He didn't have to deal with the shit Karkat did, day in and day out, in that god damn courtroom. HIS GOD DAMN COURTROOM.

There soon came a light knock on his door. Karkat screamed for the person to get on with it. A petite woman quickly walked in, dropped a stack of folders onto Karkat's desk and ran out. A part of Karkat was very proud of her. He remembered when she first started as his secretary a few months ago. She had burst into tears the first time she had tried to bring him his morning coffee. She was certainly much more thick-skinned now.

He was feeling quite pleased with himself as he looked through the folders of upcoming cases he would preside over. Divorce. Divorce. DIVORCE. MOTHER FUCKING DIVORCE!

Karkat nearly threw the whole stack of folders out the window. Who the FUCK did he piss off so much that he got stuck with all the mother fucking divorce cases? How he longed to go back to his days in small claims court. If people were so divorce-happy maybe they shouldn't bother mother fucking getting marr-

His thought stopped mid-formation. Karkat read the name again. And again. And again, just to be sure. John Egbert. He would get to preside over one of John Egbert's cases! Even if he was alone, Karkat would not let the look of happiness show on his face. But he was going to get to see John again! He had not had a chance to see that MOTHER FUCKING IDIOT IN MONTHS WHERE THE FUCK DID HE RUN OFF TO?

"You know, the ethical thing to do would be to step down from that particular case, KK," said a familiar voice...with a familiar lisp. Karkat looked up, glaring holes into his old friend(?) Sollux Captor.

"The ethical thing would be for you to stop breaking into my chambers. My doors are locked for a fucking reason, Sollux," Karkat spat out nastily.

The taller man just shrugged. "If you didn't want me to come in, you would have used a better lock," he rationalized, going to the couch in Karkat's room, sitting down on it. Karkat resisted telling him that he had, in fact, had all his locks changed just the other day. He was not about to give Sollux any more satisfaction. Grabbing one of the thick law books, Sollux flipped through it. Had it been anyone else, Karkat knew they would have only been feigning reading. But this was Sollux fucking Captor. Karkat knew that behind the dual-colored glasses, he was actually reading. It annoyed him.

"You just came here to tell me off?"

"I am just saying that if you get caught, you could get into trouble," Sollux said simply, taking his glasses off, cleaning them.

"What? Are you threatening to expose me in that little newspaper of yours?" Sollux glared at Karkat now and Karkat shrank slightly from the heterochromatic gaze.

He shrugged now. "I just meant that you should not be so obvious about it. I am not actually accusing you of being unfair. John Egbert does not win all of the cases you have presided over, so if nothing else you are a decent judge."

Karkat was sure that he probably should say something. He was just unsure of what to say. Instead, he hid behind his normally cantankerous personality. "Enough with the fucking compliments. What are you really here for then?"

Slowly, he smirked. "I am here to make sure that you take that particular case."

"Oh, and why is that?"

"Because John Egbert is going to be representing Vriska and there are people I know who wouldn't mind seeing that particular harpy cut down a few dozen inches."

**TBC**


End file.
